M S(toic) D

Will never in my life forget that moment when an obscure guy with long hair and wry smile lifted that maiden T20 world cup for India in September of 2007.

From thin air a guy had produced a feat which gave me the joy which even the likes of Azhar,Sachin,Saourav and Dravid were not able to give.

It was not MSD being a finisher or wicket keeper or a captain which made him my real life hero but it was his stoicism.

MSD must be made synonym of "stoic". I still can't forget that stoic face when he got run out on 99 in a test match against England or even when he hit that historic six off Kulasekara on that historic night of 2nd april 2011.

MSD made me learn the art of calmness and patience in difficult situations which i tried hard to imitate in my real life and which no doubt brought stability.

You will always be my real life champion and not just a cricketing star who we relish on television screens.

Hope to see the old explosive Dhoni now on cricketing field.

Butterfly slippers

The voices in my nightmare were growing louder and louder, they were crying in pain, mourning over something ,was not able to find out what that something was but was really feeling nauseated, tried hard to wake up but was not able to as if someone was pulling me deeper into my slumber, suddenly hundreds of deformed figures took long stride towards me, there were noises all over, the figures were approaching with their arms straight towards me and palm making gestures as if they all wanted to strangle my neck, I was sweating in my sleep and could feel that wetness ,I tried hard to scream but was not able to, tried to move but to no avail, I felt as if I was handcuffed, and finally when I gave up ,those deformations disappeared in thin air ,I felt my hands free, I could move but the silence didn't wane ,in fact more intense morbid cries made me wake up from that horrid sleep and when I opened my eyes, to my utter horror, the scenes were not much different from the one I was witnessing a few seconds back. Rahul's mum was crying like anything on what appeared to me as Rahul’s dead body, yes he was certainly not alive, his innocent face was pale, those amiable blue eyes no more showed the signs of life, Rahul lost the battle of life, his failed kidneys could not sustain more.

It had been ten days since I came to SGPGI and the nightmares like this didn’t surprise me more, given the number of deaths I had seen just in these ten days. The amount of cancer patients and their miserable conditions that I saw on first day made me take a resolution to quit smoking and I adamantly adhered to that resolution till that day, but the urge of smoke and the amount of demises which I had witnessed in these days no longer made me scared of that deadly D word ,the last night's experience was still haunting me and I desperately wanted to smoke that out. I woke up my mum who was sleeping with a bed sheet on the bare floor of that general ward ,as soon as she woke she saw my father worriedly who was lying on patient's bed with lots of pipes connecting his veins to the glucose bottles hanging over his bed, today was the day of his dialysis and I knew that it would become a hell hectic day so I just wanted to get that fag as soon as possible, I told mum that I was going out to get some tea and rushed out.

SGPGI is spread across a sprawling 300 acres of land with some great state of art infrastructure and best doctors of the region, so much so that a lot of patients from the northern India arrive every day in search of life, the place remain crowded like hell. The urge of smoke was so much that I wanted to run through the corridors of the hospital but was unable to because of that mad rush. Somehow I reached to the elevator and when I decided to take the steps instead of that goddamn machine the doors of that lift got opened, and suddenly I was all praise for that man-made genius. The first day I used the elevator I wondered why they made a lift as big as half a bedroom, but the next day I got my answer when I saw ward boys in that lift carrying a dead body on stretcher. Hospitals are so different from the real world, the world of physically fit people.

The elevator started descending from fifth floor and I just wished that it didn’t stop anywhere but against my wish it stopped at fourth floor, in my exasperation I gazed at the door, a young woman was accompanied by a nurse and two ward boys who slid a wheel chair very gently inside the elevator. In last few days I had seen so many people on stretchers and wheel chairs that my reflexes didn't turn my eyes towards that wheel chair instantly. I looked at the hands of the woman, she was holding a red soft toy like slipper, with feathers on top and a butterfly face in front, the slipper just didn't go with the atmosphere of the hospital and that’s why I grinned at her , but the whole scenario became clear to me when I had a glimpse of that wheel chair, a little girl was lying unconscious on that wheel chair in a pool of blood, I was taken aback by the scene I just got to witness, I looked at the woman who was cursing the nurse for taking her to the elevator which did not stop on 3^rd floor and goes directly to fourth from ground because of which they had to change that on fourth and come on to this one as the emergency ward was on third floor. Blood was gushing out from that kid’s injured legs , I was in a state of shock and didn’t know what to do , I just followed the group inherently , the little girl was murmuring in an incoherent voice, I tried hard to understand that and realized that she was asking for her slippers, the lady ,who I suppose was her mother, was reassuring her that she had her slippers .Doctors arrived in the scene and in no time the kid was taken into the operation theatre ,I stood there stand still watching the lady cry like hell ,I wanted to console her but didn’t find apt words ,the kid’s innocent and cute face was just not getting out of my mind, those smiling butterfly faces on the slippers resembled so much to that kid, I just didn’t want to budge from there but had my father to look upon too, I looked at the watch and it was quite late, forgetting about the puffs I ran back towards my father’s ward.

Mum was waiting there for me, I arranged a stretcher and we took dad to dialysis center on it, my dad’s one kidney was non-functional while the other one was 90 percent damaged, he needed a kidney transplant and it was my elder brother who was donating his kidney to dad.

Dad was put on dialysis and we could see the whole procedure of filtration in front of our eyes, I saw the tears in mum’s eyes and tried to console her ,my brother who had to undergo some tests was not present there, I was in state of turmoil ,my father was lying there helpless surviving on machines, my otherwise fit brother had to go under knife in few days, and the scenes there in hospital ,they all took a toll on my mind ,I was frustrated, as if all the happiness was sucked out of my life, I was disturbed, disturbed like anything, my brother who just arrived there made me to take rest but instead of regular tea session I ran to see the situation of that little kid, the operation was over and neither the kid or her mother was present anywhere, I asked some ward boys about the girl and they told me the ward number where they had been shifted.

I took long strides towards that ward, there I saw the girl sleeping on her bed cuddling those butterfly slippers and her mother sitting beside her ,gently moving her fingers in her daughter’s hair, tears were flowing from her eyes, somehow I managed all my courage and asked her about her daughter , she stared me for a while and then replied with tears in her eyes that her kid had lost her legs ,I was aghast ,tears automatically came out of my eyes when I saw those butterfly slippers alongside the kid, her mother however with all her prowess continued an said that she was glad that her daughter survived a deadly accident and hope that she would soon get to terms with life, I didn’t have courage to look into the eyes of that kid’s mother.

I walked in tears and reached the dialysis center where I saw my mum and dad smiling over something , my brother standing beside me said that he hope everything gets all right very soon, I nodded and closed my eyes and this time I didn’t see those deformed figures instead I saw that little girl walking on her legs wearing those beautiful butterfly slippers in her foot, I saw my fit father smiling and waving at me ,I saw Rahul’s mum conversing happily with her granddaughter ,a smile came to my face too and I realized it’s the hope which makes people happy and strong , it’s hope which give them courage to fight ,which make them smile even in the hardest of times.

Elusive Success

People say change is the only constant, well looking back and analysing  it seems nothing has changed.

Sky is blue as ever, birds are flying as ever, same mad morning rush on roads as ever, same crazy daily routine as ever. Has anything changed??

No not really except that I got a taste of failure. But then these very people who say change is the only constant also say that failure is the stepping stone to success. Don't know whether it's a stepping stone or a deep ditch.

Anyway it is sinking now and yes it hurts but may be the hurt has got something to do with that elusive success, may be things will change for real and not just in adages, may be sun will shine brighter tomorrow and sky more blue, may be that elusive success will not be that elusive tomorrow.

24th August 2014

24th August,2014 approx 9:00 pm , I was crestfallen , dejected and what not , I was trying hard since last 2 years for civil services exam and discovered that I am scoring around border line of cut off marks predicted by some (bogus) pundits.

My teacher and parents had high hopes from me, some very serious decisions of my life were dependent on this result,was quite confident that I would easily crack prelim ,Cried a lot on 24th night and thought that if even after this much of dedication I could not get through prelims then there must be some fault in me and I should not waste more time and try to find a job , updated my resume next day on various websites ,asked my friends and seniors to forward it, and even started studying technical stuffs required for job interviews but by the end of the day I felt something missing , I missed my daily dose of Hindu, missed those critical discussions of the editorial with my father,missed telling my mother some interesting facts or two, missed telling my “London going” friend economic and IR issues and then I realized that it has become a part of my system and just a single day without these things made me miss them so much.

It is like I can’t imagine myself without daily critical analysis of economy,polity ,diplomacy ,I realized that these things are now embedded in my genes not by some genetic transmutation but by natural selection, I realized that my mind which needed daily dose of intellectual fodder was feeling starved and pleading me to pick up that Hindu which was lying isolated at dining table, my RBCs asked me to give them a daily dose of extra oxygen in form of chapters from that sacred book “Plassey to Partition”, it seemed as if my leukocytes will deny giving me protection from pathogens if I don’t feed them with some mountains and valley stuff,my kidney ,my lungs all my organs(yes all of them  ) seem crying for enlightenment which they were receiving incessantly, and then the lightning struck that how foolish it was on my part to even think of quitting this field, I asked myself… was I doing all this just to clear an exam (well actually I started it for the same reason) did not I learn academic as well as some very important lessons of life in last two years ,isn’t knowledge a thing which nobody can take back from you and certainly not a stupid (well not so stupid though) exam.

I realized knowledge is an ocean and it is also an addiction you cant run away from it once you are into it “truly,madly and deeply”.

And then my father said to me “beta antim saans tak insaan ko ladte rehna hai, ye to bas ek exam hai life me isse bhi bade issues aayenge ,you should never give up”, my mum used to pray hard for me she use to spend some more than an hour from 5 in the morning praying for my success, when I told her that it would be hard to make it she said “koi baat nai beta main to aise hi prarthna karti rahungi tum himmat mat haaro”.

Guys first of all its not just an exam it's a process which makes you hard, which expand your knowledge and make you a better citizen. Just don’t loose hope if you have not scored well enough “rise,shine and glorify” (and may be those stupid cut off predictions go all wrong and you even qualify this time around) , I am not saying that don’t plan for alternatives because as Mrunal says don’t put all your eggs in one basket but don’t fret away from this process of gaining knowledge .

Best of luck to every one I hope everyone will be back on track at least from tomorrow, after all you all are “Serious players” and your vital organs are pleading you

Two Contemporaries

25th June 1983 was a watershed date for Indian cricket ,it was the day when we were transitioned from underdogs to world champions and marked the birth of a new religion ,Cricket.It was the day when the hurricane from Haryana lifted  the coveted Presidential World cup.

By chance or by some divine intervention Cricket in India goes along the political and economical conditions of the nation.On that glorious June day when we became the world champions we had already tested our first nuclear weapon and the world had started seeing us as a formidable force just as the cricketing world changed it's view of our once minnow national team.

Rise of the legendary Sachin Tendulkar goes parallel with the economic reforms of 1990's.We slogged all through the 90's and first decade of new century to finally emerge as no 1 ranked team in test matches and again win the world cup ,this time not the Presidential one but a Reliance one.Similarly our GDP (in ppp terms) became the third largest in the world in the same time span.

Today we are witnessing gloomy economical and political scenes all over ,our nation is hit by all kind of scams ranging from commonwealth games to coal gate ,our economic condition is not as sound as it used to be,our GDP is declining every quarter ,we have a huge unsustainable Current Account Deficit and to add on the rupee has taken a free fall against dollar.Moreover we have witnessed some of the most heinous crimes in recent past (Delhi and Mumbai gang rape). Among all this gloom at political, economical and even social level,the divine is again intervening in aligning situations in cricket with those at politics and economics and the time was apposite for the relatively new kind of scam ,a scam of cricketing world,spot fixing which has shamed the nation similarly or may be more than the spectrum or commonwealth has done.

There are lots of questions to be asked , is everything all gloomy as it seems?,have we entered into an endless dark cave?is their no way possible to see the light of pride and happiness? but the bigger question is why at first place we have entered into this mess,who are responsible for all this? well for me the basic cause of things like this are lack of moral values ,satisfaction and endless desire.This is the high time to overhaul the whole education system so that we can inculcate values,morals,respect for opposite sex right from the childhood ,not in a vague manner as we are doing currently but by taking concrete steps ,just as economic reforms are necessary to avert economic crises likewise educational reforms are necessary to avert social crisis(scams being the one).Well this is just one solution to a myriad issue and there can be many others too,this is the high time we start evaluating our options and start working on reforming the society because all those corrupt politicians ,cricketers and rape culprits originate from the society ,from among people like us.

Today as an ardent cricket fan  I hope Indian cricket will again produce a rising star as Sachin who will slog on his own to make us reach the pinnacle minus all the negatives of sport and as a self proclaimed responsible citizen of the nation I hope that the land of Buddha,Mahavira and Gandhi will again embrace the teachings of these greats and come out of the vicious circle of immorality and dissolute.

TCS

11th  July 2011 ,a day etched in the diary of my life ,the day when I shed that student tag and entered the corporate world for the first time ,I started my  first job on this day  which was completely different from what I expected ,wasn't getting the feel of being part of nation's largest organization ,it was just like another day of college with familiar faces  chattering just like the way we used to do in our classrooms , speakers on the podium of that auditorium were just like any other professors or lecturers of college.

Though that first day at TCS was very much exciting but the build up to that day was more thrilling I guess , getting done with all the documents was an uphill task ,than that train journey from Lucknow-Delhi-Hyderabad with Rohit (from delhi) and Kapoor (from Mathura ) via Nagpur (where I saw Archit for the first time) was a memorable one , excitement of visiting Hyderabad was an another factor , staying at Hemant Bhaiya's place was such a nice expperience interacting so much with bhabhi for the first time and how to forget Harsh , the cute lil bhatija of mine.

I could still feel that nervousness and anxiety which I felt when we left for Manjeera  next day , traveling in MMTS was an experience as well......well and what to say about Manjeera , no matter how much people hate that place but that was one place I would have loved to stay forever , far from the hue and cry of bustling city , spacious and luxurious as well .

Q-City , my first real introduction to the corporate environment ,it felt great attending those biz skill sessions , getting guidance from Lalitha and Ramya , interacting with all GITAM and SMIT guys , acting my heart out in skits , coding madly , that team lead experience , getting star of the learners group award , watching movies in Talkie town , that Bodyguard song , waking up early every morning ,  working on Saturdays... those are the memories I am not gonna forget in  my entire life...Thank you TCS for making my first job so special and memorable.

26 PAST 11

The digital watch on the dashboard of Keya's car was showing 11:25 pm ,unaware of the time keya was thinking about those inexplicable things which were going on since the evening .Why her boss surprisingly gave her some not so urgent looking work after the office hours ? , why Nitin called her to Gurgaon on that chilly December night when even the nocturnal too do not dare to step out of their homes ? why the hell Nitin wanted her to take that hilly route to Gurgaon via Faridabad when she could have reached there from her office situated in Okhla via Dhaula Kuan ? and the most inexplicable of them was why she letting herself carried away by his despotism and doing exactly what he wanted her to do ? May be because just after a couple of months they were gonna tie the knot and she did not want to disappoint him in any way , but this was one of the most awkward way of pleasing her fiancee when she knew that either his demands were coming from an insane mind or may be he was fed up of her and wanted to get rid of her , well that was one of the most weirdest idea but if it was the case then no prize for guessing that she was trapped , trapped in an unusual way , it was like that someone else had dominion over her mind , someone else was making her do what he wanted her to do...was like ... she was possessed...

The 30 km stretch which leads to Gurgaon via Faridabad is a fantabulous boulevard but that same awsome looking road turns out to be a petrified and deserted place as the clock's hours' hand passes the figure of 10 and the chill in the weather adds to the scariness ,the car's speedometer was showing a speed of around 80 kmph and gurgaon was still 20 km far. She wanted to reach her destination as soon as possible , the speedometer was gradually climbing up and up , the digital watch read 11:26 when a screeching sound came as Keya applied the brakes or rather stood on the brakes to stop the machine with minimum displacement. The impact of the retardation was so extreme that the car turned almost 90 degrees and had it not been the seat belt which she was wearing she would not have been witnessing the forbidding site which she was witnessing right now.

A skinny structure with an icy white face was standing in front of her and gazing towards her with an unaccountable mirth , his pale yellow eyes though blooming out and giving a sharp contrast to the complexion of his face were daunting as hell but yet somewhere they displayed a deep amount of care and love. Keya's heart skipped a couple of beats as he took long strides towards her , she was astonishingly not scared of that scene instead a drop or two came rolling down from her eyes on her pink cheeks and shone like little diamonds as she recognized the care and love in those morbid eyes.

FIVE YEARS BACK

Keya and Amit worked together in a multinational firm .Everyone was in awe of the bond they shared with each other ,the apparent bond of love , they were childhood sweethearts and destiny had brought them together after a separation of four long years. Keya was the subject of the reverie of all the male colleagues while Amit was the desire of every female counterpart infact they complimented each other with their ravishing physical features.

Keya was tall (5 feet 8 inches) , fair , had long hair and her utterly demure attire gave her an unimaginable comely appearance. On the other hand Amit had a taller and leaner built not skinny though , wheatish complexion and his most striking feature were those pair of brown eyes. He could make any girl drool over him just by a mere glance. They were really like those bookish made in heaven couples , they always promised each other to grow old together no matter what the circumstances be , no matter how strong the tide is they will go against it if they have to. Being  neighbors they both grew up together , once a toddler Amit hated the way she dressed , she talked , she walked in fact every girlish thing of her seems to regress him from her and same feelings were emanated from Keya's side but as the time took the toll on their respective minds and bodies they started to appreciate the nature's creation , started to appreciate each other's innate beauty and the more they conversed out of the sheer physical attraction the more they started knowing each other and the more they came close to each other.

The love, the care grew with every tick of second and the boundaries of their love propagated to eon as they crossed the barriers made by the society though they were neighbors there was just formal interaction between their families but the families never interfered the budding relationship .Things were going perfectly fine until Amit told Keya that his father has been transferred to Kerala and they will have to shift in a week . All hell broke loose, she knew how difficult it is to be in a long distance relationship, longing for a mere sight of your beloved, she knew the hardships one has to suffer in those dreaded long distant relationships and with no surprise her nightmares started becoming a reality .They started drifting apart but their faith in each other kept them together though the intensity was fading but it didn't vanish, it just needed a kick and fate gave that , they both were placed in the same firm after their engg degree , they were ecstatic ,their joy knew no bound , they were elated with the idea of being together again in each others' arms....the euphoria bubbled inside them as they realized that they can hold each others' hands again, can hug each other , can kiss each other.

They again were one of the happiest couple on the planet and time started to flow like the water of the river Ganges. It was a December afternoon when Amit told Keya that he would have to go Mumbai for a couple of days to attend a cousin's ring ceremony. Keya for some strange reasons looked apprehensive may be because she doesn't wanted the distance to come between them once again however Amit managed to convince her that it was just a matter of couple of days , she was convinced , though not whole heartedly  but she was , she bade farewell to Amit at airport with wet eyes seeing which Amit told her that he is going for something very auspicious and these tears will act as bad omen , this made her smile though that was a fake one.

As before her psychic powers proved to be true .She heard the news of crash of a Mumbai bound aircraft when she tuned in to a news channel , the aircraft in which Amit was travelling. The news further confirmed of no survival .....no survival .....which meant the end of her mirth....the end of Amit.

The death of Amit made Keya go insane her world was lost and it seem to her that her life was purposeless. She was broken and was all prepared to end her existence but somehow her mother managed to bring her out of that trauma being aware of her daughter's relationship with Amit she understood the anguish of Keya , she tried hard to make her realize that it was not the end of the world for her infact a new world awaits her and as they say time is a big healer it healed the wounds of Keya gradually and slowly she began adapting to this new world..a world without Amit.

Keya started working again her life started coming back on track and thats when she met Nitin at a work seminar. Nitin was the vice president of an another firm , an average looking guy with a ting of shrewdness in his eyes had great managerial skills and was able to manipulate things according to his desires though all the shrewdness and manipulative nature  he was an admirable human being always ready to help with an alluring smile on his face and may be it was this benevolent nature of his which attracted Keya  and needless to say Nitin was mesmerized by Keya's beauty. The relationship grew stronger with time from mere acquaintance to friendship , from friendship to a stronger friendship and so on but never this friendship got converted into love because for Keya love meant Amit .

Like any other parents Keya's parents wanted her to get married  and she too was feeling a void in her life which she thought can be filled by a family. The search of groom began and ended on Nitin. She was engaged to Nitin and everything was falling in place .The pensiveness about Amit was slowly and steadily vanishing , the euphoria was coming back. Keya never felt like this since last five years....since Amit.

The melancholic figure was approaching nearer and nearer and the tears from Keya's eyes were growing in number as the perplexity from her mind was departing. How can it be true ? was it an apparition , or was it real .She opened the door of her car and looked into the eyes of that ghastly figure .Nowhere were the remains of that wheatishness , it was all pale , the charm was oppressed by the morbidity , she said "Amit ..is it you?", the figure replied  ... "having a difficult time recognizing me Keya?" , tears burst out of Keya's eyes , she leaned forward to hug him but the figure moved backwards and said "this is not the real me Keya , it's the afflicted soul of mine" Keya was bewildered and as she tried to wipe off her tears the soul said "I survived the crash that day but only to go in a state of coma,I had been in this state of oblivion for last five years but I fought with death and didn't give up because I knew that there is someone who loves me more than I love myself and that someone was you and I knew that this love wont let me die I fought....I fought for goddamn five years but dunno why suddenly I started feeling week ...don't know why the death started mocking my braveness. I am dying Keya...I am dying". The tears of Keya's eyes were dried up the fact that she accepted years ago was not quite a fact .She hated that time when Amit left her in that limbo. She was nearly dead but she lived again and accepted the death of Amit and now this sudden appearance was first euphoric but after that revelation of his getting vanquished by death made her to contemplate that she will have to face that dreaded trauma all over again and that was the reason of those dried tears. The apparition said "I know Keya you can't exist without me ,neither can I , that's why I am here , that's why i made all the arrangements , lets die together Keya...so that we'll be together forever". Keya was amused by the idea and replied "it's so easy for you Amit , you say that you love me and you have come to kill me !! what kind of love is this Amit. I accepted your death long ago but even then u were there at some corner of my heart but you made it harder for me to live so I decided to choose a new life for me I am engaged to someone , someone who loves me a lot , someone who is there with me not just as mere memory but as a person who can cherish my happiness and who can support me in my bad times .I love my life more then anything else Amit. I loved you once but not more than myself and if you love me then you will let me go or else I will never be yours not even after death". The apparition stood impassively as Keya started the ignition and headed towards her detination , towards Nitin. She stopped directly at the parking of Nitin's apartment and rang the door bell. It was 2 in the morning and Nitin was baffled as he saw Keya at the door. Keya hugged Nitin and from a place afar the apparition saw it and remained impassive and at the same time at a place very far away a tear dropped from those charming brown eyes of Amit as the doctor declared him dead.